SMILING RAGS

I have never known the love of a father. I was barely past the toddler age when he died oh sorry, when he rested. My mother, a young confused woman, got devastated. She did not know what to do with me. I seemed to be the burden which brought all the misery on her. If my father had just died and left her without a child to look after, I guess things would have been easier for her.

But that was not the case; she was young and widowed worse of all, with a young boy to take care of. My presence did not ease the pain, it only worsened it. She could not bear to look into my questioning eyes and let me know that I would have to grow up without a father. Without a person to take care of my needs like fathers do to their sons. With no one to teach me things which men do. My mama always kept quite about her struggles.

She never used to complain, but she was scrambling from the inside. Mama knew she would give up any minute, no one cared or seemed to notice. Until she finally gave up I can not fully comprehend how hard it was, or what went through her mind at the moment. I just know she could not take it anymore and did what she had to do; let go of her burden. Now, with the knowledge of both ends, I can only admire her strength.

I never had the chance to face my mother with all these. I could not confront her because she must have had good reasons for doing what she did. Am not sure of how I would have reacted to her answers. But I have always been wondering whether she was just fed up with me or if she really had to let go of me.

Of course I understand it is a struggle, but to give your child away just like that, no mommy, this is still too much for me and am sure I will go to the grave wondering why you really had to do it. I love you mama, but this pain will have to stay with me forever because it can never be erased. Every time I see a struggling woman you will always come to my mind.

When I see an abandoned child, you get into my mind. Do you see the mix up mama it is pity well blended with contempt and am not sure which one should over rule the other. Morals make me to over look contempt, but every time I turn my back on it what faces me is a sick or a hungry child.

Exactly what I should have looked like then, when I had nothing to call my own. I must have disgusted you mama, but was it really worth it, me, your son, thrown from your sight? Scavenging in street bins like a dog, sleeping in the stinging cold of the night as I wondered and wished for the end of all the misery. This is why I march around the world.

This is why I can not let any hurting person to keep hurting, this is why, I can never let the smile on my face fade, because there are so many people who long for the sight of the slightest smile at them. I cry in my silent prayers for the hurting world to heal, because I have been there. I have tasted the painful crunching of the heart; that’s why I understand.

Baby, I know what you are going through, I may not be able to comprehend the extent of the pain it caused you. But what I know is that our pasts live with us. This must have taken a great toll in your life, but you have to be strong, just as strong as you have always been. The past is gone, and you have a future to live on baby.

I know you have not been clinging on to the painful past, but whenever you get distant, I see it. Your quiet desire to just be given real love, care and understanding pierces my heart and makes me want to hold you in my arms. You may not know how I realize, as you always try to play the strong man, but because I love you so much, I see it and I feel it in my heart.

I am a mom with a son the same age as you were then, I know how sensitive you boys can be and that is why I offer to give you that which you never had the chance to be given. There is nothing we can do now, I would wish to turn around time but that is impossible. Just know that I love you so much and will never forget how you cuddle around me. It shows baby, it is so clear to me and I can just promise to make it up to you.

This is a true story of a woman who loved a man who had been abandoned as a child. It is hard and painful to understand someone who has grown up with so much pain in the heart. For the sake of building up lasting relationships, the best thing to do is to learn a partner and treat each other right.